As I wrote this in the sand I was approached by a young boy. Naturally I thought he was curious about what I was writing and stepped aside. Judging by the boy's age, I would guess he had some reading ability and was excited to practice his skills. However, as I moved to give the youth a better view of my scribe, the boy simply told me in a voice that a child talks about his favorite toy that he had peed in the ocean. Shortly after we parted company.
As it turns out after several days of beach going, i had found that the cheapest activity on the beach was to simply walk on it, which I enjoyed. I realize now that because I am someone who enjoys long walks on the beach, I have increased my stock. I am now more attractive to about 99.99% of the worlds population.the 0.01% of course representing the computer scientists.
As my trip continues, my thoughts have started to return to what comes next. I find that SoCal life style makes me dream of what can happen in the future, but the problem is that I can't dream of the future, without thinking about the future as a product of my past. This has caused me great anxiety.
However times like the above, make me feel at peace. I feel that some day my life may return to a pace where I can take friends and family to eat cake on the cliffs and watch that golden globe extinguish in the sea.
I know that where ever I go, there will still be boats exploding out of buildings; that life can continue as normal; that I don't need to be so anxious about the future.
But despite all the comforts of this trip, I still feel haunted by what is to come. My career which is yet to start seems to be so important. This honestly kind of pisses me off. I never wanted to have to be so concerned, but with my grades and no professional engineering experience, I just don't know what is going to happen to me. I wish (and I hate wishing) that I could have some security. I wish that I simply knew that I'd be employed come next May, so that I could take my final year at school and be more of myself.
I feel like the sunset is coming on my college life, and as I enter my twilight hour in Rolla, I want to be able to enjoy it as much as I've enjoyed these beautiful sunsets.
So as I enjoy my wine, I share with you the lyrics which have haunted my mind ever since I first heard them.
They took your life apart, and called you failure's art, but they were wrong though, and they won't know, until tomorrow.
~Elliott Smith - "Tomorrow, Tomorrow"
So here's to tomorrow. Cheers.
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I remember the days of peeing in the ocean. Sometimes I think back to when I was like that little boy you mentioned, with no worries. We just knew life would work out. Then we start thinking rationally, and overthinking... I'm surprised of all people to hear you talking about worry over your career. You're a standout among the many students that focus only on academics. I guess I worried about when I applied to grad school, but it was worse for me because when I looked at myself (my grades, experience) on paper I realized that I was not much different from a lot of the people I would be competing with. And when it came to applications that prompted me to explain how I was a leader I wished I was someone like you. I think you know that you'll be fine despite your worries... enjoy yourself, you're right near a damn beach.
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