Toilets: Stand Up, Seat Down

Let's do it wrong Space Travelers!  When was the last time you challenged why you do something?  What defines what is the correct way?  Try doing something wrong, and often enough, you'll find out.

There is the perennial joke about men and how we leave the toilet seat up.  Silly manfolk bipedal urinators, why pee standing?  Nobody can function at such an altitude!

I want this.

I'd never really had to deal with the seemingly inevitable debate.  That was until about four-ish years ago.  I was scolded for leaving the seat up.  I was confused.  It seemed harsh to meet such a sudden reprimand for a single offense.  I went into the bathroom and the seat was down.  I assumed she had lowered it.  A few days later, the topic came up again, and again I was confused.  I went into the bathroom and the seat was down.  In protest, I pointed out that the seat was down.  It was when she came in that the issue became clear to me.  She marched in, then lowered the lid.  I had not been leaving the seat up, but rather the lid.  The break down in communication came from the difference in what we were calling the seat.  Quickly this became one of those cases where you simply let the girlfriend win the argument because life is really too short to be fighting over toilet anatomy, and it's a suicide mission to correct a girlfriend on matters of definition or terminology.


We have in modern western society created a cultural practice of putting the seat down, and apparently this includes the lid (in eastern societies, they use a different toilet or the toilet just makes all the choices for you while playing music.  See also: Weird Japanese things).  It seems that to have an exposed and open toilet bowl is an offense worth a potty harangue from the lady-mate.  Or so it seems.  However, what in these last four years I haven't been able to wrap my head around is why?  Who crafted this rule?  Why do toilets have lids?  If lids are a part of being polite, why don't public restrooms have lids on their toilets?  It seems odd that our public choice should be less rude than what we choose to do in private residencies.  Seat and lid down could be the righteous thing to do, but I want to understand why.  The unexamined life is hardly worth living, and that includes etiquette in the water closet.


As it turns out, some answers are available.  The first matter to address is the public restroom.  As it turns out, it's a law.  The Uniform Plumbing Code Section 409.2.2 requires the use of an "open seat," but allows an exception for private residences.  The reasoning offered for the use of the open seat varies (splash back, genital contact, ease of cleaning, etc), but all logic offered resolves to some sort of sanitary measure as the common denominator.  In the interest of public health, the lid is omitted entirely.  Civilization seems to have a low priority on the lid, so why and how did this become an element of good manors in our homes?  

"No!  I will not calm down!  The lid is symbolic of this entire relationship!"

A male-female cohabitation is the battleground in which this war is commonly waged (drunk in a bar was a close second).  The common assertion from our finer halves is that they are "tired of putting the seat down for us."  Pulling someone else's weight can be a real drag so I am sympathetic.  Not to nitpick, but aren't they putting the seat down for themselves?  The reverse certainly could be said as well, and we'd think not twice about a man having to lift the seat for himself.  He's not doing it because she forgot anything, he's simply putting the toilet in the desired configuration.  If he leaves either the lid or seat up and the next desired configuration is that it be resting in a horizontal orientation, the action is no more dramatic than lifting the seat before toilet use.  In fact, when transitioning the seat out of the upright position, gravity is on your side.  Voila!  Now, all of the above can be used to argue either way for whose responsibility it is to put the toilet seat where, but at the heart of this intellectual quest is the matter of determining what the default position is.


In finding the default, let us summon science again.  In the highest tradition of Newtonian physics, we note that a seat in the upright position is a dynamically stable system with a greater potential energy than the statically stable system of the seat being down.  In the interest of using energy efficiently, it seems that lifting the seat is a waste.  However, a lid in the down position requires the expenditure of energy for all users because it obstructs waste from entering the bowl.  If the lid serves a function, then this use of energy may be a worth while investment.  We should investigate possible functions.

Get lost in the beauty

The purpose of a lid is in itself a debate.  At its simplest, it is purely ornate.  I've examined images of both toilets with and without lids.  I've decided there is merit to this argument.  The lid increases the surface area of the toilet as a unit and provides a large flat area which is ideal for decoration.  Anyone who has researched the housing market knows that kitchens and bathrooms are what sell homes.  So who wouldn't want to protect their investment?  Transforming the one place where you produce the worst sounds and smells into a work of art is a creative pursuit, and I support that kind of thing.


Beyond aesthetics, there is a functional element to the lid itself.  For those who find themselves tired after a long a stressful day at work, a toilet with its lid down provides a sturdy bench.  In terms of posture, a firm lid promotes proper spinal alignment, and by most designs, the height is such that the hamstring and shin will form a comfortable angle with each other and with respect to the floor.  If the toilet has a rear tank, the individual may find its cold porcelain therapeutic to sore muscles and enjoy the lower lumbar support.  To have good posture is to live well.

Earth day is everyday

Another utilitarian theory about the lid is that it acts as a two-way defensive barrier.  This school of thought takes into account two main (but numerous secondary) scenarios.  The first is to keep whatever is in the toilet from escaping out.  Currently, this has only proven effective against large vermin such as rats that swim up the pipes.  Attempts have been made to stop odors and insects from escaping, however, in 2010, our toilet technology simply does provide a viable solution for these common foes.  The second form of defense is the idea that the lid will keep things from getting inside the toilet.  It is unknown at this time, but conservative figures suggest that as many as 50 bazillion pristine toilet bowls have been contaminated when a user accidentally or intentionally dropped their $200.00 cell phone in.  Most mobile phones and PDAs operate on lithium ion batteries and the run-off toxins from such a spill would render the toilet water unsafe to drink.  I don't need to belabor the point, the lid can provide both security and an eco-safeguard to the local watershed.

A prototype hybrid unit

Given the complications that arise from toilets with actionable seats and lids, I began to wonder if it would be simpler if we simply fixed the seat to the bowl, and removed the lid all together.  Seats and lids are movable parts and are prone to damage.  The average American household spends over $26,000.00 on toilet maintenance in a given year.  This cost could be cut by up to 50%, and free up monetary resources for struggling families if fixed-seat toilets were installed.  This removes an unnecessary choice when using the bathroom, and helps save time (no doubt, equally important as money).  Don't think we can build it?  Wrong dummy!  This is the U.S. of A! We already have them, and they are being implemented in US prisons across the nation where in 2008 2,304,115 happy inmates use them daily without up-or-down dilemma.  Additionally, a seat that can't be removed, can't be used as a weapon in a cell-block uprising.  Now that's something we can all believe in:  A safer America.


I encourage all people to explore why we do what we do.  I used to be a mindless drone putting the toilet seat and lid down because I was told to do so.  Now when I place them down, I'm doing it for my own reasons.  It shows I care.  It's a message to my loved ones.  A message that I take pride in the appearance of my home.  It says that I care for my body.  It's a warning to rodent sewer intruders that "United We Stand." A lid down is the proud badge of the eco-minded individual.  Lastly, it says to all those that follow me into the bathroom that I trust in their ability to make the right choice, and that without the freedom to choose, it's no different than being in prison.  Don't just take my word for it though.  I encourage everyone to set out on the noble quest to find answers to this and other very emotional and personal questions about the human condition.  They may say "Whatever dude.  You thought waaaaaay too much about this."  Cognito ergo sum toileto seato summissus.  I think, therefore I lower the toilet seat.

"Go away!  I'm pooping!"

~Plato

(428–427 BCE)

As a last note Space Travelers, in my research, I discovered many new and exciting ways to use a toilet.  If you attempt these at home, it should be under proper supervision, and always after doing warm up stretches.

The Side-Saddle:  This stance elongates the frame and is quite sliming.  Showcase your classic elegance with this old time favorite. Good for group settings.

The Sea-Doo:  This sporty stance is for advanced users only.  This is of course a slight modification on the "Stallion" which required stir-ups.  This method provides all the enjoyment of the Stallion without the expensive equipment.

vLog Unspecial 07: Impersonations

Here is the companion video Space Travelers.





Don't forget to rate the video and follow me on Facebook.  I plan to keep drawing more faces as a side project.  I will upload all the face pictures into a picture folder on the facebook account where you can post comments on the pictures themselves and what type of character you think they'd be.

Single Thought #9

Some things hurt.  Some things leave a mark.  However, given the choice to never feel anything again, I'll take the mark.

The Book Versus The Movie

Salutations Space Travelers.  I just got done doing some midnight cleaning of my apartment while trying not to wake the roommates.  When they wake up and come out of their rooms, it will be like Christmas morning, if their letters to Santa requested that the damn kitchen be cleaned (They've been nice, I'm the naughty one).  As I was cleaning, and organizing, I looked at the bookshelves.  I realized that I have more movies than books.  There is a debate that rages on between the book and the movie.  Had movies won my brain's real estate?

I've never considered myself to be very literary.  I was not the child with my nose in a book.  I was too impatient.  I couldn't be bothered to devote multiple days to stories that took only 80 minutes to tell on TV or in a theater.  As my peers began to read more as an extra-curricular activity, I witnessed a trend.  The more films I watched with them, the more I'd start to hear "the book was better."  At first, I was arrested in a sort of disbelief.  I often had enjoyed the film, and I didn't see anything wrong with it.  Seeing my fellow audience seem so disappointed was mildly alarming.  As I heard this phrase more and more, I started to worry that there was a whole world out there I was missing out on; a book world, where the story was always better.  

In 1999, A very special film came out.  The movie was Fight Club, and it's dark visuals coupled with its gritty attitude was intoxicating.  I watched it over and over.  A few of my friends and I even got in fist fights in our garages.  We were punch drunk, literally (I told you it was intoxicating).  It was a lot of reality mimicking fiction.  But hey, the story is about exploring the male condition, so perhaps this was a form or exploring the ideas in it.  We didn't fight for too long, and never as fiercely as in the film.  We tempered our enthusiasm, and cooled our teenage jets pretty fast when we discovered something important:  We all fucking hated getting  punched in the face.  It was awful.

Fiction and storytelling can have a very powerful effect on those who digest it.  It can become as real as the person allows.  Since I was done getting decked in the jaw, I decided to read the book.  When I came across a copy, it was a soft back with the movie art on the front.  It was obviously a reprint made exactly for people like myself who had seen the movie, and now wanted to read the book.  A funny thing happened right before I began to read Fight Club.  I stumbled upon an interview with Chuck Palahniuk where he said that he like the movie better than his book.  I was puzzled.  This wasn't right.  The book was supposed to be better!  The author isn't supposed to say that kind of thing!  habpasadfiuonfcwdnwepowcna'xa!!!1one

Now, having read all but one of Palanuik's books, I look back and think that this isn't shocking at all.  Not for Palahniuk. He likes very much to play the devil's advocate and his humor is often quite contrarian.  Well played Chuck.

I read the book.  It was good, but it was good in many ways because in my mind this was the cast of Brat Pitt, Edward Norton, and Helena Bonham Carter. Oh, and Meatloaf.  Him too.  To me, it felt less like a book, and more like a projection of the movie.  The same thing happened when I read the Harry Potter books.  I began after the first movie, and finished prior to the conclusion of the movies.  J.K. Rowling does such a wonderful job of describing Harry, but the truth is that no matter what she wrote, I will always think of Daniel Radcliffe.

Potter ala livre ou toile?

So how do I compare these works of literary art to their cinematic cousins?  In effect, I've really just compared two movies:  Their movie, and the one in my head; my movie.  I can't be considered objective on a matter where my imagination is on one side of the scale.

There are some books that I read prior to them becoming a movie.  What?  You didn't so?  I'm hurt (E tu Space Travelers).  Another Palahniuk book, and notably my favorite, Choke, was made into a film in 2008.  It stars the very very very (I just completed a "very" combo!) talented Sam Rockwell.  However...  I didn't really love the film.  It was okay.  The book was better...  There, I said it.  But was it?  Or was it simply that I was struggling with someone else's manifestation of the characters?  Was it just one mental director (me) being overly critical and envious of the actual director?  For instance, I thought that instead of Kelly MacDonald, the obvious choice was Monica Bellucci for the role of Paige.  Geeze.  Get a Clue, right?  Seemingly, the Director Clark Gregg never read the book, otherwise he would have come to this inevitable conclusion as easily as I did.

Maybe it's about the order of operations.

Right now I'm really into the Scott Pilgram comics by Brian Lee O'Malley.  Volume Six, the final volume, comes out today.  The film adaptation of the omnibus is due in Theaters in August starring mumble champ Michael Cera as  lead man loser-hero Scott Pilgram.  Get excited.  It looks visually exciting, and (the trailers at least 1 2 3) captures the video-game-rock-n-roll-mid-twenties feel of the graphic novels.  Last time I was at my local comic store, the store cleric explained, with the gusto and charisma of the basset hound, that he was holding off reading Scott Pilgram until after the movie.  Did my gregarious friend have a point?  What if I've poisoned the well!  What if I've ruined the cinematic experience!  How can I enter the theater at all?  I'll cross into that scared dark cave with the knowledge of the six volumes in my head, knowing that to fit the story into a two hour film, lots will have to be cut out.  Cut out with a chainsaw, not a scalpel, at that.


I know that a graphic novel is not the same as a book (It has pictures.  Weeeeee!).  However, I think the reasons that one might enjoy the film less than its original form is the same/similar for both.  Certainly the die hard Marvel and DC fans well tell you (No seriously, they don't shut up once you get them started) about how the recent comic book movies could have been better (Perhaps there is an exception for Christopher Nolan's Batman movies.  They didn't try to be canon as much as feel correct, but hey, why so serious?).  We like books and graphic novels.  Opinion-fact!  They have lots of details to feed our imagination so our mind's Director can compose a masterpiece.

I don't believe I'll ever be able to compare the book and the movie.  I won't be able to assign a value to some of a film's elements so that it is readily comparable to the book.  Think of the many beautiful cinematic scores composed for films that became characters themselves.  I for one, cannot think about Jurassic Park without thinking of that beautiful symphony, or how could I ever relive the climatic ending of Last of the Mohicans without hearing the dramatic and emotional Irish song racing though my head (Wait?  Irish?  Daniel Day Lewis was in the film...).  There are some things that defy value and discourage cross evaluation.  

Maybe we should not seek to compare the book and the movie; the novel verse the film; the PDF against the MPEG.  Let them be their own experience each.  If they do cross paths, let it be a collaboration in our imaginations, not a competition for our favor.  Some stories may not be able to arouse us in both forms.  Some stories will remain on the bookshelf, and others will only light the silver screen.

Someday we could have a way to have project holographic images directly into our heads.  We'd literally be in the story.  If that day comes, I'll probably (like Palahniuk) declare that the virtual story is better than the movie, and perhaps even the book.

vLog Unspecial 06: Private Parts

I don't know how this slipped through the cracks Space Travelers. I made this vLog Unspecial some time ago, and it seems I never posted it up!

Enjoy! I will it so!

Lt. Dan is in the House

Long time no post Space Travelers.  I was a little blogged out for a bit after working on two blogs at once rather actively.  The Metrics of Me adventure in fitness and health is complete.  I don't have any current quest, so I won't be posting there.  I plan to leave the blog up because you never know if someday I might return there to document some other exciting life change.

I've created a facebook page for the blog so people can follow it and get updates more easily when I post new entries.  Additionally, I think this will be a good way to get more feedback and even take requests on future content.  These days, I've been in a rather editorial mood with the blog.  I've have my writing style critiqued as being rather didactic and another person referring to some of my arguments as being totalitarian and lacking respect for pluralism.  I don't fully know how to process this feedback.  On the blog, I've been wanting to talk more about ideas, and less about what is going on in my own life.  I can't say I credit anything specifically for this trend, only that I've viewed this blog less as a diary and more as a creative outlet for my thoughts, and I don't know how creative I can be with the daily minutia of my life.  Some bloggers are great at that, and I love reading their stuff.  I wish I could make my logical Tuesday rich with metaphors and witty insight.  I don't think my lifestyle currently fits that kind of blog, although I do like doing the "Chapter/Verse" posts when I do travel.  This blog is my sandbox, it's often been experimental, but it's always been very intimate.  For the last three years, I'd like to say thanks to all the Space Travelers reading.

... normally I'd try to offer some sort of introduction to the topic, but I'll just jump in...

I've been thinking a lot about the media relationship with Atheism.  A few years ago, Space Traveler Leek pointed out one of his greatest frustrations in film:  Lt. Dan.  LD represents a mythological atheist:  The atheist who believes in a god, but is mad/angry/upset with it.  Needless to say, this is not an atheist.  The atheist apostate meme is something that I believe creates a great deal of stress in many atheist's lives.  


That frustration can lead to actual anger as my girlfriend pointed out to me recently when she said:  "You sound angry."  My anger wasn't a product of my atheism.  It was a resentment that I did not feel I was capable of expressing anger (in the same way and degree as a religious person), without it being some sort of statement about my beliefs.  I'm human, and I experience the full range of emotions, and that includes anger.  I'm not defined by anger, it should not mean that media generalizations of atheists are justified because I take objection to being put into a box.  The more my anger is emphasized, the more my joy, love, and patience is deemphasized, and I feel less appreciated as a human being.


Two very lead fictional atheist characters right now are House and Bones.  While popular, they tend to be depicted as socialy flawed and unhappy individuals. To complete their task/agenda (whatever the plot is) they seem to require the compassion of other more well adjusted spiritual people.


I had someone tell me in contrast that "Yes, he's weak. But he's also right. Logically, clearly and obviously right about everything all the time. He points out delusions and comforting self-deceptions in others. I think [House] does atheism more good than harm, at least more so than those who have gone before."  They went on to say "Sometimes see Hugh Laurie himself insisting on a more real representation of an atheist."

It could really go both ways couldn't it?

His weakness and bitterness are unrelated to his ability as a doctor. Certainly he could be as sober and disillusioning to self-deceptions without being bitter and mean. One of the ways to make a story interesting is to give your protagonist idiosyncrasies.  The TV detective Monk was OCD.  This played into the role he had as a detective plus it provided for humorous scenes about how it affected otherwise normal social situations. House has no tact, which is makes his bed-side manor humorous and shocking.

House is perhaps a good atheist character in many ways. He doesn't choose the easy road. He chooses one with many hardships, and much pain as a result. That path however means that he helps many people, and it's no less meaningful because he chooses to do it (as opposed to doing it because he has faith that it is his purpose).


Honestly, House is fine.  His character flaws are interesting ones, and his story is compelling. My worry is that these negative things are projected to be a part of his identity as an atheist. After all, it seems like his mental anguish would be lessened if he did believe in god.  It would make all the nice people he has to see die feel like less a tragedy if he could delude himself with thoughts of an afterlife.


While House is angry at the world, and Lt Dan is angry at a god, I can't help but feel like the subtext on both is the same:  All atheists are incomplete and hurt people who will ultimately be better and happier once they accept god.  In the epilogue bits of Forrest Gump, we see Lt. Dan, clean shaved, in love, calm, polite, emotionally healed, and god loving.  In the movie Signs, Mel Gibson's character, a former priest, rediscovers god, and is seemingly cured of his anger.  I don't know how house will end, but he's already had scenes that were either supernatural or drug induced transcendent moments that suggest we are walking a familiar path.  


House's pain makes him human.  We connect with him.  I'd like to see and ending with House emotionally healed too, I just don't want his Atheism treated like it's a wound.