Chapter 27, Verse 2: When Will We Get There?

I promised that I'd tell more Space Travelers, and I mean to do just that. Today, you learn about my quarter-life crisis.
I can't remember who gave the quote, and I'm going to have to paraphrase anyways, but: "You're unhappy? They have a group for that. It's called EVERYONE"

EDIT: I found the original quote and remembered where I read it. It's Drew Carey and I read it on Amy's blog. "You say you're pissed off that life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to? There's a group for that. It's called 'Everybody.' They meet at the bar."

Well, I'm not really unhappy, but sadly dispelled.

Oh, and if you thought that this post was going to be more cool England shit, sorry. The connection is that I came to my conclusions on my quarter life crisis during my trip, so that's why it falls here. For your enjoyment, I did include pics of the lovely Ruth, and ever adventurous duo Taylor and Chi.
You must understand. It has not been easy for me to fit in. Imagine that. In my earlier years, it was being shy, but having a very active imagination. As I grew up and my communication skills developed, I began going through a very awkward stage of saying incomplete things. Some speech pathologists say that people who stutter simply fail to be able to speak at the speed they think. Well, I might have had a similar thing, only I just said parts of things. It sounded weird, but it's not really material to the story, so I'm going to just keep going... The point here is that by time I had learned how to properly communicate, I was at the age where our social hierarchy had began to harden. This made me a "fringe kid."

Being on the fringe meant meeting other all-star weirdos who were pretty cool. Everyone was truly unique and all struggled to fit in their own way. We became close. You know lunchroom politics? Well, we beat them... by not even eating in the lunchroom. One of those fringe kids was Taylor.

As the years went by, the molds that held these various social roles were loosened. In college, some people break out, and join the fringe. Other molds stand strong letting their contents harden more.

After college, more molds release and then fail to hold their shape. Yet more people on the fringe and what they long for is to be back in the mold where they think they made sense.

So here's my crisis; here is my dilemma. I just thought someday I'd fit in somewhere. I thought I'd arrive somewhere and when I got there, people would be magically awaiting me, smiling and they'd say:

"We've been waiting for you to get here."

I guess I've been holding out for some retribution; some good prize for staying who I am. I want my character to fit. Why must being free be lonely? Why can't we earn acceptance?

But I already knew the answer. I knew it the second I realized what my crisis was. The answer was and will always be those fringe kids. I have been accepted many times in my life. My journey has brought me to some of the most amazing and unique people. I've never found a place to take me in, but I can build on the little real estate we're given. Like the lunch room politics, we just ate in the hall, completely bypassing it. Now as an adult, I know the community I want, is one I have to build. It will not build itself. What I want in my life, is not waiting at some point in the future for me, but that is not to say I can't have it if I try.

If I want amazing friends, I don't wait for them to find me. When I want adventure and when I want to feel alive, I don't wait for an invitation.

I guess all the molds eventually crumble and everythign is reduced to the fringe. It's like the 2nd law of social dynamics. Some people just live there longer than the others.

I don't know when I'll be satisfied, I don't dare think what would be left if I knew.

Chapter 27, Verse 1: Where Are We Going?

Wotcha Space Travelers! London's Calling, and I've paid a refuckingdiculous amount of money to have a mobile phone abroad. Note to self: Get prepaid next time.

I've spent the 4th of July the last two years in different curcumstances: Thee flight deck of a WWII aircraft carrier in San Diego, and last year in a massive city evacuation drill on the National Mall here in DC (Golly it's true. Arnest!).

This year, I satisfied my urge to just leave. No, not in a Sean Penn I'm-moving-to-Canada kind of leaving, but rather for the reasons of...

Okay, so I didn't have a reason, but I could. Okay? I did it because I could. This year I spent the 4th of July in England. Ironic as it may sound, it turned out to be one of the best ideas I've had in ages. Add to that, the presence of one Mr. Taylor Park, and it's an adventure.

Taylor added two important ingredients to the trip:

1) Poland - Neither of us speaks Polish, but Marta was going to be there and we knew we could make her our language slave for a few days.

2) Couch Surfing - An adventure in itself, we didn't stay in any hotels. Our hosts were indie posh students at Goldsmiths, a 60's Mod who used to get in fist fights with rockers (achievement unlocked), and Bollywood Art Directors. Our trip was meant to be memorable.

I had not left the USA since 2004, and that was only for a day trip across the border into Mexico (inside scoop: The ring I wear on my left hand was bought on that trip). Before that, I had gone on a study trip to Japan. That trip interestingly enough was also with Taylor.

I remember the day I bought the tickets. I remember because it was the day my passport expired. It had been almost exactly a decade since I first left the country. Like that first trip abroad, I hoped this trip too would be full of firsts and overwhelm my senses.

It's good to get out, see your world in the third person. It's good to be the outsider; not get all the jokes; struggle with the local vernacular. A unexpected thing I learned, is that push come to shove, we could out drink the British. I'm worried about what this says for our college system.

They say "Life is a journey." I say "Life is a journey, if you chose it." There is no passive adventure, only active quests. I can't hold out that someone else is going to just come a long and make my life what I want it to be, but more on that some other time.

Single Thought #5

If hunger is your stomach telling you what you need, then heartache is hunger too.

Chapter 26: Families of Ours

Happy retro post Space Travelers! It's May 2009, and I'm sending this blog entry into the future to offer a really lame excuse for not updating more frequently!

I'm here in Seattle for Western Kelrod's graduation! He just completed his M.S. in Game Design at Digipen, a school about making video games. He says it's a lot like Hogwarts with no chicks. I had no taken the time yet to come and visit, so I figured this would be a great time to come out to one of my favorite cities in the USA!

I'm not alone though. Kelly's family is here. A lively bunch they are. They are all young and excited about being together. I can't help but feel a certain longing when I'm around them. It's a peculiar desire. I want to be a part of it. Please, please, please let this become a sit-com, I'm so perfect for the role of witty neighbor.

I have a big personality. It can be proto-obnoxious if you don't get it, but it's not actually egocentric. There were many times when in large groups I'd find myself talking or telling stories and I became very self aware. These were Kelly's days to shine, and I didn't want to steal the spot light and embarrass myself. If I found myself talking too much, I'd retreat behind my laptop and be as quiet as a... something ultra fucking quiet. Kelly actually noticed. He talked to me about it and I explained how I was worried that I'd talk too much and how I was super proud of him and I didn't want to distract from anything. He said that people like my stories and that he was happy that I came. It didn't change how I felt, I tried my best to not speak as much over the rest of the time, or I'd try to only comment on the family's stories.

I guess the longing to belong in that loving family perhaps made me self conscious about what I do for affection and how I worry I'm perceived.
I grew up in a house where my family took others in, I certainly had other 2nd order homes, but mine was base; mine was prime; mine was the one above all others that the family only seemed to grow. I've been a part of letting others in, but I've never been a person to be let in myself. The Jacob's family, with there energy and excitement is hard not to covet and I wanted in, even if as the sit-com neighbor.