I used to do wellness education in college, and many of the topics that I'd address were about sexual health. This is a topic I care deeply about, and one that I feel deserves a sober approach. I tire of the back-of-the-classroom giggling on the topic of sex. I was then very pleased when I was listening to Cindy. She spoke in a very confident and direct tone. She spoke much like we want our doctors to speak to us about our health. In many ways, her approach to talking about sex skipped all warm-up foreplay to make the audience comfortable. I very much appreciate this. However, something just wasn't right. While I was pretty much on board with her problem statement, I felt that her method of addressing it was tragically flawed.
Her observations: Pornography has become modern day sexual education. That pornography as entertainment displays sexual norms that are not always positive or promote good sexual health. That in a society where discussion of sexual topics is taboo, people lack the proper resources to get the information they need.
Her idea: Create a website to separate porn myth from sex reality. Her creation is a website called make love not porn and addresses specific topics and leaves space for users to leave feedback.
Lick some email stamps Space Travelers, and hope the internet postal service is running.
Dear Cindy Gallop,
My name is Alias Tagami. I am writing to you to address some concerns I have after recently seeing your TED talk and after exploring your sexual education website Make Love Not Porn. This is not a letter from a church group; not a letter from some hyper crazy evangelical who thinks you're trying to get every 14 year old pregnant by saying the word "vagina" in public. I am a 26 yr old man who writes a blog about social issues. I do have a history as a wellness educator, and I am very passionate about sexual health topics. It is that passion that actually led me to find your TED talk in the first place. I very much respect and appreciate the sober manner in which you spoke. It is refreshing to see someone not beat around the bush and address sexual topics as serious things that are not to be giggled at or ashamed of.
Your talk made one very profound point that stands out above all other things: That pornography has become modern day sex education. I agree. Further, I believe this is not a good thing, and not because porn is bad or immoral either. I believe we are on the same page here. I was watching your talk and quite impressed, at this point I was cheering you on. You had the tone, and you had delivered clearly your thesis.
But then we had a split. Your message seemed to be very directly aimed at getting sexual education to girls and women, and yet you seemed to only address the porn mythos that exist in boys and men. Your statement that a certain level of "reeducation, rehabilitation, and reorientation" need to take place seemed heavily aimed at men, and yet your site seems to address girls and women. I see this as a disconnect. If modern day porn has become de facto
sexual education, then should we not examine who is would be drawing any information from it? In other words, if a man is getting in his head certain sexual norms about sexual intercourse from porn, it doesn't make sense to address girls and women about a topic like cumming on a girl's face. The message on your website only further adds to the problem I believe. If the porn myth is that every girl likes this, and you put "not necessarily," you've done your job in diffusing the myth, but you've left the reader in an undefined place. I think this is a bad place to leave a person. Additionally, the user feed back on each page does not help a reader get reliable information and is often very contradictory.
There is a functional issue as well. How does one find your site? If I am a 14 year old boy or girl who is looking for information on the web, what actually is going to happen? They will open a browser window and type in a question or phrase on google. Do you think they will navigate on their own to your site? But more importantly, in addressing the porn myth versus the sexual reality, you've chosen the wrong myths. What you've chosen are literally the mechanics of intercourse. To me, this is not where the bulk of where porn distorts human sexual relationships. A real porn myth worth addressing would be who you have sex with, and not how you have sex. In a porn feature a pair may have sex only moments after they've met a total stranger. Birth control is not addressed. Contraceptives are rarely used. These are the real important myths to address because these are the types of sexual topics which would promote an open dialog between sexual partners and allow for candid communication about all the other stuff. The mechanics of sex are in our genes, and no matter what we put down on paper or on the web, it is going to come down to the doing part of doing it. Let's address the issues of sex that take place before nudity, before arousal, and before humping and moaning. Let's get people to where you are in speaking without blushing on the topic. I think that would be the most empowering sexual education.
Lastly, there is one more thing, and it's about the whole "reeducation, rehabilitation, and reorientation" thing as being what I perceived as your only break from earnest discussion. It felt like a punchline, and at that kind of a cheap shot. As a man, I felt your comment implied that misinformation about human sexuality was a bunch of bless their hearts (and boners) guys who just don't have the worldly perception that you do as a woman. I found the statement's subtext to be a bit sexist, and very unnecessary. Sexual education is of great important to all people, independent of gender. You should not turn off men to your message by inserting this kind of baggage.
I can tell you deeply care about this, and I admire your initiative. I also envy your platform, so I hope you appreciate the opportunity you have now. Because, I'm rather wordy, I'll try my best to summarize what I'd hope you'd do with your platform. I would like you to reconsider your site's user feedback. I suggest that you at minimum put in place some sort of moderation for comments to safeguard against false information getting to a interested reader. Diversify the site's porn myths to include topics about sexual relationships and not just sexual mechanics. On the topics about sexual mechanics, please consider your audience and that it is not just men who express negative porn myths and practice porn norms. I would like you to review and do some critical thinking about how helpful the "some do some don't" statements are on your site. It feels like you're afraid to make a bold statement here, and waffling doesn't help a reader that is looking for reliable information.
I am a supporter of your efforts, and though my summary is critical of the fruits of your labor, I want you to know that I admire what you're doing. I hope that my feedback is useful to you. This is an open letter that I will be posting on my blog http://theregoesourhero.blogspot.com. I believe that my readers would enjoy any reply you would send back. I feel your creation is incomplete, but still taking shape. I look forward to checking back on the progress you make, and hopefully one day, I'll be able to direct people to your site as a resource I endorse.
Sincerely,Alias Tagami
Hopefully she writes back. I hope I wasn't too harsh. I just felt that I need to speak as candidly about my concerns as she did with hers. Be cool and wrap your tool Space Travelers, there is no better way to be a better lover than to actively stay educated. Happy Valentines Day, and as a parting gift, some links.
CDC Statistics Center - Lot's of resources on reproductive health and STIs/STDs.
Natl' HIV & STD Testing Centers - Find one near you. Go get tested, and bring a friend.
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Alias - many thanks for your thoughtful letter. I don't consider it harsh at all! To both respond and clarify:
- MakeLoveNotPorn is designed to address both genders - boys and men as much as girls and women. I freely admit that the fact I am female myself means I've realized in its current incarnation it isn't as gender-equal as I would like it to be (lots of men have written in with more male-experience suggestions for 'PornWorld/RealWorld'. However, I've found it interesting that people make their own assumptions (more people assume it is talking to boys/men and not girls/women, funnily enough - the opposite of your assumption).
- I put MakeLoveNotPorn up on no money, because it was something I felt strongly about and wanted to do something about. It is not my main venture - that is www.ifwerantheworld.com, which you might be interested to check out - and so, while I am actively looking for funding to be able to build and develop MakeLoveNotPorn out in some very specific directions to be more effective, I cannot afford to dedicate time and resources to it at the moment without funding. That is why I am not able to undertake any kind of promotional activities to ensure that people find it more easily, as you suggest - although I very much want to!
- a number of people, like you, have critiqued the 'some do/some don't' statements. Alas, these are sadly necessary. Even that very basic point, that some people like some things and others don't, and that there is no 'one right way' to have sex, and that porn does not necessarily show you the way and give you the magic formula, needs to be made. And has been very gratefully received, judging by the (enormous volume of) responses I've received from both male and female, younger and older audiences.
- You are definitely reading too much into my 're-educate, rehabilitate and reorientate' statement! :) That was a deliberately light-hearted statement intended to be ironic and to convey that that is in fact not at all what this is about - but I've realized, based on other misreadings beyond your own, that that is one of those things that came across to the audience live (which is why the laughter that greeted it) but does not read so well when you are viewing video. You should know - because this is also a misperception I regularly have to correct - that I date younger men because they come after me (I have never pursued or hit on a younger man in my life). I am extremely selective about whom I date, and as a result I only date really, really lovely younger men. The experiences which led me to create MakeLoveNotPorn were not universal across the men I date (in fact, in some cases, ahem, quite the opposite). And what I also often have to point out to people is that misguidedly porn-influenced sexual behavior usually arises from the best possible motives - not selfishness, but selflessness. We all get insecure when we get naked. We desperately want to please our partners, and we will take our cues from anywhere we can find them. Those cues, whether derived from porn or from experiences with previous partners, are no substitute for mutual discussion and exploration of what you both like to do. But many people find it extraordinarily difficult to be open with each other about what they like during sex. Reverting to overly porn-influenced behavior is completely understandable, and my light-hearted joke was in no way intended to reflect any criticism or contempt.
I very much appreciate your support for what I'm doing. I hope you understand that in a scenario where I have to be primarily focused on my main business venture, I am currently limited in my ability to spend both time and resources on furthering MakeLoveNotPorn in the ways that you suggest, but I absolutely intend to the minute I can find farsighted, broadminded investors.
All best wishes,
Cindy Gallop
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Thank you so much for your reply Cindy. It was very thoughtful of you to take your time to write back to me.
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